Male Cosmetics – Oh Come On!

Moisturisers, conditioners, dyes for grey hair, chest waxing … it just goes on and on. What happened to men just being men? Sure it’s a bit of a cliché now to fret about the feminising of men, but this isn’t the point. The point is it’s got nothing to do with that, it’s to do with being sucked in by yet another brilliant marketing ploy by whoever the hell makes this junk. They’ve created a market where none existed. Did men really care if their faces ended up looking like oak tree bark, or their remaining hair was the colour of aluminium foil? As for chest waxing, whoever thought that was a good idea clearly didn’t have a hairy chest!

Not that any of this is new. At the beginning of the 20th century, razor blade companies convinced women their hairy armpits were unhygienic and unattractive. The reason wasn’t to ensure women were healthier and found a mate – it was to double the market for their razor blades! Same deal today.

It all seems a bit contradictory when you watch the ads on TV. A rugged or  well muscled ‘real man’ smacks on moisturiser to his face and looks like he’s just loving it. God, what a man – you should be doing it too, then you’ll be a real man. The slight glitch in this story is the bloke in question is just too, er, ‘pretty’. He’s about as far removed from a real bloke as is possible.

Has it ever struck you that the world has been populated by less than gorgeous people? Accept the fact, trust me it is a fact, that people far uglier than you are having sex and you’re good to go just as you are. Keep healthy and use your common sense, but don’t be sucked in to yet another marketing con. Look at the crap your kids want to buy because they saw it on the TV. Remember how you thought they were daft to want whatever piece of rubbish the five minute wonder was? Thought they were just young and stupid? Think again – old and stupid go together just fine too.

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Filed under advertising, cosmetics, Health, Human Behaviour, male, marketing, men

Pushy Selfish Parents

Parents who decide their kids’ career paths should be neutered, ideally before they’ve managed to inflict their genes upon the future world. Those crazy, frustrated parents who are desperate to live their own under-achieving lives through their children. Pushing them into ‘careers’ which they were unable to achieve themselves. It’s not like their choice of careers is inspired either. Okay accountancy might be so dull it could be classed as a semi-vegetative state, but it is a real job. Becoming a lawyer may entail ditching all scruples, but with a bank balance that big you could pay people with scruples to befriend you and hope it rubs off.

But no. These ‘dumb arse’ (thanks Red Forman) parents decide Tarquin or Giovanni should be a professional golfer, or rugby player, or cricketer. Look at these ‘professions’ – they are grown adults playing with bats and / or balls to see if they can run, skip or jump better than some other players. Ok, they’re fit, but that’s not exactly a skill, becoming fit used to be called normal. Doing everyday things made you fit, making a big deal out of it by going to a gym doesn’t make it special, it just means the rest of your life is too bloody easy.

The other insane thing is, lots of these boof-head parents make these choices when their kids are in kindergarten. What? You can’t have any idea what interests of skills Beyonce will have when she’s 18, so it’s pointless shoving her into being a celebrity hair stylist at four – she might want to be a brain surgeon.

How many poor kids were shoved into golf ‘academies’ (they contain no academic learning of any kind) because of Tiger Woods? Be nice to think at least a few of them turned out to be serial shaggers too.

Come on, let your kids live their own lives and don’t use them to fulfil your own delusions. Same goes for the people who force their offspring into joining the family law firm or hedgehog pickling business. Maybe they want to do something else? Maybe you did too?

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Filed under Celebrity, Parenting, Stars

I’m a Victim – Make Me a Star

On the receiving end of a tragedy? Sickness, accident, crime, etc.? What’s the first thing you do? Get the media there to record your tragic, heart-wrenching account of your 15 minutes. For gods’ (may as well accept there are multiple pretend creators) sake, what the hell are these people thinking? What’s the big attraction of putting yourself on national TV to wail and moan about your plight? Have these people no dignity, no pride? Or, are they helpless victims of a predatory media looking for victims?

Tragic case of a husband eaten by hippo at the petting zoo: suddenly there are shots of weeping children, icecreams still in their sticky hands as the camera pulls back to see Dad’s torso being hauled from the hippo’s mouth. Brilliant. How will the wife (widow) now cope? Pure gold if she’s heavily pregnant – with triplets.

Granny’s been found dead, devoured by a voracious mushroom outbreak in her recliner chair. The family’s devastated as they all loved dear old Granny so. They weep and wail as the camera pans across them. Is that the silverware they’re eyeing? Nobody asks how nobody found Granny’s remains for a month after she expired. What a fabulous media event it would make.

Whatever happened to grieving / coping in private, with the people who actually care about you? If you’re that cut up, the first thing you’d do is tell the bloody media to shove its camera where the sun don’t shine. Saying ‘no’ I don’t want to have my private life splattered all over the media is fine. If you feel yourself wavering, think how much you care as you witness the endless procession of tragic lives on your TV. Oh, that’s right, you don’t care. Think it through.

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Filed under Human Behaviour, Media, Stars, Victims

Vegetarianism – Get Over It Fools

Get a mirror and have a damned good look at your teeth – you are not evolved to be a vegetarian. Rabbits, ducks, sheep, guinea pigs, pandas, they are vegetarians – you need to eat them, especially the pandas. Utterly useless animal, best served smothered in garlic with chips on the side.

If you want to save the planet by your eating habits, why not start scarfing down the  vermin shagging up the country? Eating lettuce and broccoli is hopelessly passive, get stuck into some active conservation by hunting down those introduced vandal animals like possums, rats, mice, cats, stoats and dogs. Scrape them off the road, fire up the bbq and fling  them on; enjoy them roasted, grilled, baked and if you have absolutely no culinary standards – boiled. (You may be Norwegian of course?) Your digestive system and cohabitants will thank you for throwing some decent food down your neck, do you really think it’s normal to be that flatulent?

Also, has it ever crossed your vegetable addled minds that prey animals run like hell because they know they’re not going to die from old age but from being eaten? May as well be by you. As for bacon, well come on, surely that’s a sign that vegetarianism is just plain wrong? If ever the Hindus were going to slip up, it’d be from a crispy, sizzling rasher of ‘Havoc’ bacon ( Go on have a look – you know you want to.

Get those incisors and canines working (they’re the sharp ones in the front of of your face) and keep the veges for their proper purpose: propping up the animals in the roasting dish.

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Filed under Health, Vegetarianism, Vegetarians

God – Let’s Get Real

God, you know, the big one, not all those little ‘primitive’ people’s gods, but the big one that uses a capital ‘G’ – God. Does using a capital letter make ‘him’ (we’ll assume male as a beard generally looks better on a bloke) less fanciful than a lower case ‘g’? No matter how you dress it up there’s no more evidence for the Christian God than there is for Snow White and the seven dwarfs. Odd how the beards crop up again and as an aside, why are dwarfs so popular in fanciful stories? Maybe Christianity would have done even better if the Apostles had been dwarfs, or maybe the three wise men? The imagery would have altered a little: riding their pet sheep the three wise men helped each other climb over the stable door and grabbed 40 winks in the cot before presenting Jesus with three pairs of shoes. Obviously they were cobblers. Speaking of cobblers, this brings me back to the original point.

Do you believe in dragons, gorgons, medusa, Hansel and Gretel, the tooth fairy? No, not unless you’re eight years old or a bit simple, so why do millions of educated adults believe in what can only be described as utter nonsense? Sure it’s been an integral part of our society for hundreds of years, but that doesn’t prove it’s correct, it just proves we’ve been deluded for a very long time.

Your life isn’t good, bad or indifferent because God made it that way, or gave you the choice to make good, bad or indifferent decisions. It’s that way because a collection of random and planned events made it that way. No mysteries, just life. Doesn’t mean life without God is dull or somehow lessened, the world is full of stunning and amazing things which require no divine creator to make it wondrous; life is a stunning event all by itself.

Christianity, or any other religion has no monopoly on morals and being a good person, we can decide that all by ourselves. And another thing: stop being condescending to so called ‘primitive’ cultures and their beliefs, this might come as a great surprise but their crazy ideas are just as credible as yours.

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Filed under Creationism, God, Relgion

Poisoning the Electric Car

Why aren’t you driving an electric car? Because the petro-chemical industry sure as hell doesn’t want you to. There is no reason for petrol companies to be happy with the potential rise of the electric car because they will be cut right out of the picture – by ‘picture’ I mean ‘money making game’. If you could charge your car at home during the night, would you go to a petrol station and have them charge it for you at a premium rate? Nope. Sure, you would still need public recharge points, but they would lose one hell of a big chunk of their market. No wonder they are a little more enthusiastic about hydrogen powered cars, it’s because you’ll need to visit their premises to fill up – just like petrol. Perfect. Pretty damned obvious now it’s been pointed out isn’t it?

The usual criticism of the electric car is it can only do a couple if hundred kms on one charge, could only carry four or five people and their stuff and … oh wait, doesn’t that describe about 90% of the trips you do now? Electric cars can go like hell, are relatively clean and are so quiet they biggest threat they pose is hitting more pedestrians – particularly the ones with MP3 players in their ears.

Face the fact: petrol is running out and it makes a lot more sense to conserve it for chemical and propulsion uses which cannot easily be substituted by other options. The power to weight ratio of aviation fuel still makes it the best choice for aeroplanes, so why in your god’s name are we using oil to power our poxy little cars and make endless bits of pointless plastic packaging? (Keep looking for a future rant on this topic.)

If you can’t wait for the electric car to beat the odds, try using public transport or get off you lazy arse and walk or bike. It’s what we evolved to cope with -walking, not biking, no fish ever wriggled its way out of the estuary to have a shot at riding a bike. But now we’re on to the fun and games of evolution and nut-bag creationists. Keep coming back …

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Filed under Car, Creationism, Electric, Electric car, Evolution, Gasoline, Oil, Oil Companies, Petrol, Plastic, Travel

Earthquake Fakes

Save us from earthquake predicting frauds, people who prey upon our fears of the unknown and unpredictable. They tell us their star charts and moon calendars and fanciful calculations can predict earthquakes. Bullshit, they can’t. How they work is like this:

They try to sound scientific and use charts, numbers and terms which make them look like they are experts to be listened to. The funny thing is they also slag off any real scientific expert because, wait for it … you can’t believe experts. Makes sense doesn’t it? They are no better than fortune tellers and psychics – yes, they are speaking crap too – but like them they are very good at manipulating human behaviour. Picking up on deep seated fears and letting us do the work for them: they supply a vague unsubstantiated ‘prediction’ like there will be a big earthquake soon, sometime, somewhere … eventually. Sure enough one hits and you say ‘yes, they predicted it!’ If you looked a bit deeper you might find you live on a bloody great fault line and earthquakes are happening all the time. You’ll probably also find the predicted date was one of many, many predictions so chances are one of them will get close. Predict a magnitude 8.5 on the 15th of August in the middle Australia and get it right, well, okay you might be on to something. What they’ll actually say is ‘somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere an unexpected earthquake will happen in the second half of the year’. Not quite so clever.

Their other tactic is to discredit science by saying it’s not always right. Of course it isn’t always right, science deals in probability and objective observation. In other words it accepts the models it comes up with to explain the world are only approximations and accept they will be modified as new information becomes known. Inevitably science gets it wrong from time to time, if you want ‘never wrong’ join a nut-bag religion.

Put it this way: if you have enough confidence the brakes on your car will work and the plane you’re in won’t crash or the machine in the operating theatre will keep you alive then you’ve already put more faith into science than you’ll ever put into some ego-centric loon trying to tell you they can predict earthquakes. They might even tell you they can tell you your cat’s personality from it’s paw prints and offer to sell you a book on it – oh wait, one already does.

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Filed under Earthquakes, Moon Man, Pseudo-Science, Science

Getting Stuck in Doorways

We all like to demonise the junk food companies because they’re making billions of dollars selling the world over-processed, unhealthy crap. The US pours enough corn starch (let’s call it completely unnecessary sugar to clarify it a little) into their food to make the entire population of Ethiopia as fat as they are. So yes, the junk food industry is a cynical exploiter of human behaviour, whether it’s through advertising or those mysterious chemicals it puts in its ‘food’ (I use the term loosely) to persuade us to buy it and then addict us to it.

However … when you, or worse your children, find yourselves becoming stuck in the doorway of your house it’s time to take stock and stop eating so much crap food! As you wrestle out of your doorway think of it as an early warning of things to come: having someone visit each day to rummage about in your rolls of lard to scrape the fungus growth away and wipe your arse for you because you can no longer reach it. Remember, you won’t actually be a tetraplegic, but you will be living like one, and not due to any accident – apart from stuffing your face too much. If you want to consume 5,000 calories a day get a job on an Antarctic fishing boat. If you’re just going to sit on your arse all day then accept you’re eventually going to have harpoons lobbed at you when you go swimming. We are all being manipulated by rich and powerful lobby groups but we also have free will to experiment with fringe activities like walking, biking, running and getting out of the car to open the garage door. We also have the power to eat alternative food like fruit and vegetables we cook (or even grow) ourselves. We evolved to eat a variety of fruit, vegetables and meat, none of which required a sodding great factory to turn it into digestible food – that’s what our digestive system is for you idiots!

Stop bemoaning your appalling physical condition, eat less crap, move about a bit more and use your common sense. It’s served us well for the last few million years, it should pull through for us again if you just made use of it. If you can read this you’re clever enough to use a computer and read – so you’re already smart enough to eat sensibly and ignore bullshit advertising from junk food companies. Really, you are.

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Filed under Food, Health, Human Behaviour, Junk Food

Escalator Zombies

Go to a mall and watch people using the escalators, young, old, fit doesn’t matter who they are they all do the same thing: step on the escalator and stop moving under their own power. What’s the story with that? They stand there, slowly moving up (or down to the depths of shopping Hell) but unable to move their legs. If you’re in a hurry and need to actually use your legs to move along the escalator then you’re stuck behind a queue of escalator zombies. If they just moaned a bit it would at least be entertaining.

In the interest of fair play they should encourage wheelchair users to launch themselves down escalators to clear a swath through the zombies. It would mainstream the disabled and remind the zombies on the escalator they actually have legs which continue to function on the escalator. Then they could have a lot more fun when they get to use travelators at airports.

The travelator is your saviour after a boring long haul flight. The trick is to walk fast, stride confidently forward and to those beside the travelator you’ll look like superman on steroids. To those on the travelator you’ll be an inspiration. Imagine, a phalanx of disparate travellers speeding through the airport terminal (maybe even a wedge?); this is how transit lounges were meant to be.

So, the lesson: use your damned legs when you step on an escalator, some of us want to reach the other end faster than a mob of zombies out on a shopping trip.

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Filed under Human Behaviour, Shopping, Travel, Zombie

Pharmaceutical Advertising

So you’re watching TV and amongst the ‘reality’ shows and screeching wannabe celebs there comes an ad telling you how you’re likely to die any minute. A scrawny bint piously informs us we may be risking heart disease,  stroke, impotence, piles, depression, irritable bowel or baldness. Ideally, all of the above, for that would mean she could peddle the whole kit of pharmaceutical cures to us in one handy pack … but ask your doctor first if this is right for you of course.

Imagine being a GP and putting up with a stream of terrified patients all armed with a little knowledge and a lot of Google. At least in part thanks to the pharmaceutical industry creating markets within the population. Studies showed the Japanese recorded low levels of such disorders as bipolar and depression until drug companies began selling their wares in Japan. Suddenly there was a large jump in people taking anti-depressants and the like. Sow seeds of concern, build up the market, sell, sell, sell. For whose benefit? The shareholders, not yours.

Go to your GP if you have health concerns, don’t buy a cornucopia of drugs because some fool on the TV tells you to. Most of your problems could be solved by getting off your lazy arse and exercising, meeting some real people to enjoy life with, eating decent food and buying a hat.

Yes, their pill might reduce your risk of heart attack by 50%, but does the risk go from 80% to 40% or is it reduced from 1% to 0.5%? If it’s the second one then you’re probably being scared into taking drugs which will make very little difference to your life – or death.

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Filed under Health, Science